Saturday, 17 July 2010


I cannot find a way to describe it. It's there inside. All I do is hide. I wish that it would just go away. What would you do if you knew what would happen after you do something?

All the pain, I thought I knew. All the thoughts lead back to me. Back to what is never said. Back and forth inside my head.

I can't handle this confusion. I'm unable come and take me away.

I feel like I'm all alone. All by myself, I need to get around this.
My words are cold. I don't want them to heart you.
If I show you I don't think you'd understand because no one understands.

I'm getting nowhere....

That was Avril Lavigne's song "Take Me Away" lyrics with a little re-writing.

I decided to tell my parents today about the name change but couldn't.
When I think about what will really happen if I changed my name, it's a really big thing.

First of all, it means I will have to come out to all my relatives and that will be, I think, very stressful. It wasn't easy to come out as a tranny. I mean, actually saying to my mum that I'm not happy as a girl didn't go too well. I kind of screamed at her. That was in 2008 when I was talking with my former class teacher about not staying in the same room with the girls during the school trip to Kyoto. Because we were talking for a long time and I came home at 6 (that was "late" then), my mum, who is mimsy and worries all the time just like me, became worried. One day when I came home at 6, she was crying. I was about to explode of stress...and did. I screamed "why can't you do something!? You know there's something wrong with me!!" of something of that sort. I know it was totally unfair that I suddenly screamed out of the blue and left her to figure out for herself what the problem was. She managed to figure it out really fast. Like, just after I said that, she said "What? About gender identity disorder?" I didn't say anything. I don't remember what I did after that. Dark times....
Anyway, I don't like "coming out" to some people. There are times when I'm like "yea I'm a tranny." but that's mostly online.

Another thing about the name change is what people who call me by my real name will call me after I change it. I think I'm quite good at pretending. I don't act (at least I think I do) like one of the guys at school. If I have to, I call my self by my real name and my parents also do. I use polite words because my parents raised me as a polite little girl.
All my relatives will be confused as well. I can't imagine how they can change what they are used to calling me.
Not only that, I don't know if I can stop my pretending.

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