Monday, 26 July 2010
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Friday, 23 July 2010
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
There were some minor changes since we were there.
We were hot so we drank water there...
...But that wasn't enough so we went back to a cafe near the park and had a cold Maccha drink and cooled down. Manju drew a manga picture there for a friend there to kill time.
This is a photo I took then. It's a dirty old hedgehog toy that Manju has had since goodness knows when! She said that it sometimes has a "bad smell day" and that day was unfortunately that day!
After we cooled down, we went outside to wait for anyone we knew. The actual festival was supposed to start at 4:00 and we spent an hour waiting!!
I had a nice time admiring the beautiful sunshine and the summer breeze. I will post the photos I took then later.
Manju loves her hedgehog! :-)
There were goldfishes in a big bag ready to be caught! I wonder any animal rights groups will be offended by this photo!?
The festival started and we ate unhealthy stuff and waited for people...
Finally people started to appear at around 5 or 6. I took many pics of friends because I don't know if I will ever see them again... And I doubt I will ever have a friend who looks like Paris Hilton(see below)! She's so nice. She's like the only person who gives me an intimate hug!!! I always love it when she hugs me! I was thinking about it before I went to bed. I thought it would be nice if someone would love me so much that that person would tie me up with their love. I guess that was what I did to my ex-girlfriend. I'm sorry.
Anyway, I had an awesome time. I wanted to post more pics here of my friends but I can't get their permissions so I won't.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
All the pain, I thought I knew. All the thoughts lead back to me. Back to what is never said. Back and forth inside my head.
I can't handle this confusion. I'm unable come and take me away.
I feel like I'm all alone. All by myself, I need to get around this.
My words are cold. I don't want them to heart you.
If I show you I don't think you'd understand because no one understands.
I'm getting nowhere....
That was Avril Lavigne's song "Take Me Away" lyrics with a little re-writing.
I decided to tell my parents today about the name change but couldn't.
When I think about what will really happen if I changed my name, it's a really big thing.
First of all, it means I will have to come out to all my relatives and that will be, I think, very stressful. It wasn't easy to come out as a tranny. I mean, actually saying to my mum that I'm not happy as a girl didn't go too well. I kind of screamed at her. That was in 2008 when I was talking with my former class teacher about not staying in the same room with the girls during the school trip to Kyoto. Because we were talking for a long time and I came home at 6 (that was "late" then), my mum, who is mimsy and worries all the time just like me, became worried. One day when I came home at 6, she was crying. I was about to explode of stress...and did. I screamed "why can't you do something!? You know there's something wrong with me!!" of something of that sort. I know it was totally unfair that I suddenly screamed out of the blue and left her to figure out for herself what the problem was. She managed to figure it out really fast. Like, just after I said that, she said "What? About gender identity disorder?" I didn't say anything. I don't remember what I did after that. Dark times....
Anyway, I don't like "coming out" to some people. There are times when I'm like "yea I'm a tranny." but that's mostly online.
Another thing about the name change is what people who call me by my real name will call me after I change it. I think I'm quite good at pretending. I don't act (at least I think I do) like one of the guys at school. If I have to, I call my self by my real name and my parents also do. I use polite words because my parents raised me as a polite little girl.
All my relatives will be confused as well. I can't imagine how they can change what they are used to calling me.
Not only that, I don't know if I can stop my pretending.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I BECAME STRESSED AND DEPRESSED.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR...
LINKIN PARK'S SONG "GIVEN UP" PERFECTLY DESCRIBES THIS EMOTION.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TAKE
THOUGHT I WAS FOCUSED BUT I'M SCARED
I'M NOT PREPARED
I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY
I'VE GIVEN UP
I'M SICK OF FEELING
IS THERE NOTHING YOU CAN SAY
TAKE THIS ALL AWAY
TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME
PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY
Monday, 12 July 2010
As I am going to go to the UK and you mentioned about opening my own bank account when I become 18, I feel that it is time I bring up my transition.
I will write this so that I can say what I want to say without being interrupted and forgetting to say something.
I will make this short and simple.
I need to change my name from A*** to Shane.
This is because:
a) I will feel so much comfortable being called by a unisex name that will not scream out that I am a girl.
b) it is essential when I try to start the hormone treatment.
@I would like to point out that this is not something I just thought up and will change my mind in a week. I've disliked my current name in public for a long time. As far as I can remember, I felt uncomfortable since I was less than 10 years old.
@I feel sorry that I need to change the name you lovingly chose but I simply cannot live my life trying to hide my name. I even don't write my full name on the sheets of paper at school unless it is really necessary.
@You may think it will not matter if I was called A*** when in England for nobody will know it is a girl's name. That isn't the point. It's about how I feel, not about what others think.
@I chose the name Shane because:
It sounds very nice and I feel very comfortable with it.
It's a unisex name.
It's the name of a character from a certain drama (which I will not identify for now) who is a very considerate, kind, and loving person which is the kind of person I want to be.
How to change the name.
In order to change my name legally, I need to submit a form to a family court and provide evidence that I have been using the new name for a considerable period of time and a convincing reason why I should change my name. From what I have read, it is not a very hard process. The only problem is that I don't have evidence that I've been using the new name because I've only been using it on the Internet. There's only evidence that I HAVEN'T been using my current name for a long time.
The nearest family court is in Mito.
I came to this point to realize that I got it the process the wrong way round.
The name change doesn't come first.
Actually using the name is the important thing.
I also got scared by the thought that something that I have been living with for all my life could disappear just like that.
Another thing is that it would be weird if I was called by an English name here in Japan. I came to the conclusion that I just want to start be called Shane when I start my new life in England. Changing my name in Japan wouldn't make much sense.
So I decided that instead of the How To part above, I would just put the link to this http://ftm.org.uk/node/54
and say I want to change it in the UK.
I will sent it by e-mail to mum and dad now. Geez. Why do we have to go through this... *sigh*
Friday, 9 July 2010
I think this is better than spending useless time listening to the teacher trying to teach us English for going into university. I'm actually doing something useful...
I heard that if you fail twice on the same subject, you can't graduate. Some of my friends were told they are in the "danger zone."
There are some students including me that are crappy but some students are a genius. I don't have a clue how they do it but somehow they figure out those problems.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
This is a photo of it with my mum's cute little feet.
I love my mum's feet very much. It's vainy but looks really cute when she has socks on. I'm a feet fetish.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Take a look at this clip from The L Word Season 3 episode 9. Kit talks about Max's transition.
My last post may have misled you to the idea that:
a) I want to be a man for social benefits.
b) I want to transition because of what other people think of me.
Both of these are not true.
If a person wants to go through a transition for the reason a), that person is a fake tranny. Those fake trannies would not be diagnosed as Gender Identity Disorder (the medical term for transgender) because it clearly says in DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) that "This cross-gender identification must not merely be a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex."
Besides, there will be more disadvantages to be a tranny because of the emotional and financial burden. Also, I don’t want to be prejudice but being a woman is obviously better. Duh!! If I had the choice, I would choose being a woman! : P
As for b)….
Transpeople have the need to transition because they feel uncomfortable with their bodies. Like Max said, trannies don't feel "whole" in their original bodies.
If you're a cisgender person (not a tranny), just imagine. How would you feel if you had the physical characteristics of the opposite sex?
Maybe you will think "Uuuuummmm... That's sexy...." or maybe think "Ew! That's gross!" The truth is, the latter describes what you will feel more accurately. I mean, trannies wouldn’t exist if they were comfortable about it! You will feel the same.
Hmmm… Explaining b) isn’t going too well….
Yeah, come to think about it, what other people think actually does matter.
We have to communicate with people when living a social life and most people will recognize you as either male or female and treat you like one.
If nobody considers other people’s gender, there wouldn’t be any problems. However, in real life, men and women have a different pronoun, they use different toilets, they wear different uniforms etc. The work sometimes differs too. Men are expected to act “manly.” Women are expected to act “feminine.” It must have been worse in the past but society still thinks that way.
It might be the same even if you are cisgendered but for transpeople, the stress is more intense.
That’s the problem of what other people think of me. It’s not just that.
Even when I’m alone, I’m irritated by my chest not being flat and my voice being high. It’s not about what others think of me, but what I think of myself.
The stress comes from our bodies and from society.
So we transition to solve both problems.
After we transition, we will feel comfortable both physically and socially. People will start treating you the way you want to be treated.
*What I mean by “Transition” is
1) Being treated the way I want to be.
2) Changing physically (hormones and surgery)
Transpeople have different comfort zones and some just need 1) and some need as much as hormones and some need it “all the way.” Some fortunate trannies are fine with living “part-time.”
I tried my best to describe what it’s like to be trans but I don’t think I succeeded.
One short and silly and probably inaccurate metaphor…
You are wearing your shoes the wrong way round.
Everyone is treating you like a silly person.
Your feet are uncomfortable.
OK that one was really wierd... :-(