Sunday, 30 January 2011

Sausage and egg bake

This is what I made today. Sausage and egg bake... Ummm YUM!!! It has tomato, beans, egg on top, onion, garlic and sausages. I thought it was better than the last pasta thing. In the recipe, it didn't say to put cheese on top but I did, because cheese makes everything delicious, right?
One thing I know about onions.
They hate me.
They make me cry.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Cooking Time With Shane!!

Today, I cooked dinner. That was the first time I did real cooking. Well there was one time when I tried to cook konnyaku but tragically failed because I didn't know I had to boil it. I was like 7 or something.

Anyway, this time I followed a cook book called "Nosh 4 Students" which my mum bought me when we went to the UK in April last year. It was a pasta dish with mushrooms and cheese and meat and stuff. It said to add paprika and I did but it would have been better without. It was OK I guess. I'm just glad I didn't burn anything or put too much ingredient.

But I have so much to learn before going to university. I was like, "Hold on... How the hell do you fry onion??? How hot does the frying pan should be? When do I add the onion? How long do I fry it for?" Good thing my mum is a cooking genius.

What the kitchen looked like after my cooking... What a mess!!!

The dish made all by myself.

What it should have looked like if we had the right pasta.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

DG goodness....

I don't have to search for Domhnall Gleeson goodness myself anymore!!! Like all other actors, Domhnall already has an obsessed person (more obsessed than me) make a whole hub for his photos and stuff. What a surprise!

Gawd, I should have known there were already loads of DG fans. It woulda been so cool if I was the first one to discover someone with potential. Then again, I wouldn't have known DG if he wasn't discovered by someone from the Harry Potter movies and didn't appear on HP and the Deathly Hallows...

Monday, 24 January 2011

What I've been doing lately...

I've been tracking down some Domhnall Gleeson (the guy who played Bill Weasley in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) related material...

These are from the short movie "Six Shooter."

There is more to come... I'm obsessed with DG right now... :-)

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

My current wallpaper


Things not to say to a depressed person:

If you'd
just stop thinking like a victim, you'd get over this. You control your life! Act like it!
Look on the bright side.
It could be worse.
You need to stop feeling
sorry for yourself, there are others much worse off than you.
You think YOU'VE got problems... let me tell you what's going on with me!

"The problem with depression is no one can see the wheelchair or the crutches. If they could, they'd be more careful about what they say."

Things that I have written in my blog or other works are not always my feelings. I've become so used to lying about feelings or saying the right things since I was little. I wrote letters to my cram school teacher and that was the only time I wrote things I really felt. And that includes the time when I self harmed. I didn't write things I was expected to say as a "bright intelligent sensible kid."
And self harm is not my past. It's the future too. I don't want to act sensible or try to be a role model or act like it has gone away. Because it hasn't. This blog's title is not "The Clown." It's named "Stop Looking, Start Seeing." Self harm isn't easily overcome. It's not in the past.
And comparing someone's situation with someone else's sometimes doesn't work.

In a nut shell, I'm a fucked up person and a liar who has always tried to meet other people's expectations.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011


don't want to cut me up inside
don't want to forget how it feels without
I don't want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh god
I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't slit enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go

Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me.

Wonder where I went wrong.

Adapted from Evanescence's song "Lithium."

I'm a drug addict.

Self injury is a drug and an addiction. I've been clean for 2 years. I thought I was over it.

It's kind of interesting how easy it comes back.

Not that it has.


Saturday, 15 January 2011

Center Test...

I went to see them of because I live near where the exam is held. To my surprise, most of them looked pretty relaxed. I wonder whether the had their poker faces on today like they always do. The girl who sits next to me looked tense as I feared. I know she gets extremely nervous at tests. that's why she couldn't get into the high school she wanted to go to. I hope she does well. I hoped to say something to M but he didn't notice me. I found that if you're not wearing it's less likely that classmates notice you. I should have worn my uniform. But it was really cold!!!!!!!! I couldn't stand there in my uniform for more than an hour!!!! Jeez!

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Guess What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT A PLACE AT EXETER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEYYYYYY!!!!! I'll be leaving for the UK in July and meanwhile, I'll do some volunteer work and/or work part time.
The first activity is the day after tomorrow. I'm going to World Vision Tokyo office and volunteer once a week until the end of February. Also I'll volunteer in farming.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

We love lil O!

My mum can't stop gigging at the bobble head Obama! It's sooo cute!!!!! :-)

Monday, 10 January 2011

Northstar Unit 1

Write a paragraph describing an advertisement and explaining whether or not you think it is effective.

The small ad on the bottom of many YouTube videos are not effective. The whole point of watching a YouTube video is to watch it for free and not waste money. The ad only annoys viewers for it takes up 20% of the screen. I bet most viewers just click the x on the top right and hide the ad before reading what it's advertising. I do. I don't think about buying an apartment when I'm watching Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. I understand that it's necessary for the uploaders and YouTube to earn money but I think it would be better if they do effective ads rather than annoying ads.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Am I Bad?

This guy YM who is probably the second brightest in my class has been eyeing me for quite a while now.

Before winter break, we happened to go out of the school building together and he abruptly asked me what he should do with the two tickets for Tokyo Disneyland that his mum gave him.
I suggested that he should ask M who he said he liked last year. His reply was "Nah. It would be awkward. I've never even talked to her."
So I said "Why don't you go with H (our annoying friend)? Going on a roller coaster with him would be funny." Again, he said "Two guys going to Disneyland together? That's not gonna happen." I said "How about Y (another friend of ours)?" "No for the same reason." God, what's he trying to get at!?
I didn't say I can go with him because I swore to myself that I would not go to Disneyland after my first and last visit there which was really traumatic.
And why is he thinking about Disneyland when all he is supposed to think about is studying for the entrance exam?
After a few days, I got a chance to talk to him and so I asked him whether he made up his mind about who to got to Disneyland with. He said "No, I haven't decided yet." and BLUSHED! Jesus! He's the kind of guy who NEVER blushes! He doesn't even have enough blood circulation to blush!
Anyway, I decided not to go asking about the Disneyland thing any more. I shouldn't distract him from what he's supposed to be concentrating on. Although, it wasn't me who started it!

This isn't all the evidence that I think he's eyeing me. I'm not going to write in detail but I see in the corner of my eye that he looks at me very often.

Whether or not I'm right that he likes me, I thought I might as well do something before graduating and regretting it.

Yesterday, we had to clean the classroom (even though we cleaned it before the holidays). I was wiping each cell where we put our sports shoes. H was wiping from the other side of the row at first. By the time I got half way, I looked up to find H had miraculously disappeared and YM was doing the job! I said to him, "Hey I thought H was doing this!" He replied, "Yeah, I took the cloth from him."
I knew he was doing the sweeping earlier and nobody chooses wiping over sweeping, right? So I was like, "Imma take any possible opportunity to get close to him!"

Who knew that would come so soon!?

We both washed the cloth after wiping. And it's winter, the water is obviously really cold. Our hands got cold and we were talking about not being able to move our hands. A classmate K came up to us and came into the conversation. K started to squeeze YMs hand to make it warm. My hands always get warm relatively quick, so I joined in.

That's quite a big thing for me. Squeezing someones hand.
I didn't get to hold my first girlfriend's hand, OK?
I hope that kind of chance comes again before graduation. :-)

But I can't feeling guilty that I'm being kind of seductive. Am I bad?