Sunday, 30 May 2010


I sometimes listen to music I listened to when I was little. Here's what I've been listening to lately. I think it was published in 1999 or something like that. It's the soundtrack of a children's English TV program. I looked at Wikipedia (Yes, I always refer to wiki! It's the fastest way to get info.) and found out that both the lady and the old guy are dead. The woman died of lung cancer (aged 30) and the guy of pneumonia (aged 79). I was sad to learn this.

Most of the songs on the CD are kids songs like Humpty Dumpty and BINGO. They are all happy songs. We are all special. You've got a friend.
I was an optimistic kid. I didn't believe the songs.

I remember starting to cry at the dinner table one day when I was 7 years old. My mum who was eating dinner with me asked why I was upset but I didn't tell her why. I guess I said I was just sad.
I knew exactly why. The thought of living and all the trouble I will go though in the future was making me feel depressed. I was thinking of killing my parents everyday. Why did they have me? Why should I go on any more? I was planning to kill them when they were sleeping with the knife in the kitchen and then I would be arrested and put into prison and be executed. That was what I was thinking everyday when I was 7.
Obviously, I didn't do it since both my parents are alive. I think the occasional depression I go through started when I was really young.

The most life threatening depression I had so far was when I was 15. It was when we were preparing for entering high school and I think the fact that where I was applying for wasn't decided made me feel unstable and got depressed.
I had a perfect plan to kill myself. I planned to go to the supermarket and get dry ice in a bag and cover it over my head.
I was going to a cram school at that time which the teacher taught the student 1 to 1. The teacher was a university student and sensed something was wrong with me. If she hadn't kept me after class that day, I would have killed myself within a week.

The long depression I had in high school was from 2008 June. I'm fine now but I got so fucked up when my girlfriend dumped me. I couldn't stop cutting my upper arm for 5 months. The scars remain.

I need to find a way to cope with depression. Nothing is making me depressed now, thank goodness. I just make fun of the English teacher. I'm surrounded with everything I love.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad the teacher kept you after school-the world would be a much sadder place without you, never forget that! We need outspoken, brave, intelligent people like you!