The lady I worked with for the first time yesterday asked me if I was a girl.
I asked back, "What do you think?"
Without hesitation she said, "I think you're a girl."
My back was sweaty by this time but I managed to keep a smile on my face. I said, "I'm a guy."
I got curious and asked "What made you think I was a girl?"
She said because my skin was nice.
That was the end of the conversation and I didn't think about it during the rest of my working time.
Coming back from work, I began to think "Does everyone think I'm a girl????"
I thought back and remembered that a guy said I looked "young."(Because my voice isn't deep like a real man.) Another lady asked if she should call me "Mr or Ms." The more I thought about it, the more it seemed that I don't pass as male.
I felt like my confidence was beginning to crumble.
I didn't want that. I wanted to remain in the happy state that Matthew Ferry took me. I was scared of feeling unhappy and realize that MF doesn't always work.
But I thought being unhappy is fine. If I wasn't able to be unhappy, that would be creepy. Having emotions is natural. It's how you pick yourself up.
So I thought, "What would Matthew say if he was coaching me personally?"
I had learned from MF that the Drunk Monkey (that's what he calls the negative talking in my head) is only there to protect me from what won't happen.
Wondering if my other colleagues think I'm female is irrelevant. The Drunk Monkey is doing its routine "what ifs" to try to scare the "real me" and make me self-conscious. (*1)
So I decided to ignore the Drunk Monkey and turn the situation into a positive energy.(*2)
I am looking forward to the day that I finally start taking testosterone. (*3)
And I am not going to think of this colleague who thought I was a girl as an enemy. (*4) The more negative experiences I have for being a transgender person, the more I will appreciate it when I become who I become in the future. (*3)
By changing my perspective, I was able to change my unhappiness to happiness. I actually put MF method into practise!
In a recent post on Matthew Ferry Blog, he wrote, "Awareness of the nonstop talking machine in your head, which I call The Drunk Monkey
The Drunk Monkey is that talking in your head, that little voice, the devil inside, the commentator, the judge, the jerk, the nasty person who won’t shut up in our head…The one you have mistaken for yourself.
The talking in your head is not you, it’s biology.
The talking in your head is not you, it’s a survival machine."
(*2) Flexibility. In the same post, he continues, "Awareness of that gives you flexibility, and flexibility gives you options…"
"Options mean you have a choice.
Choosing new perspectives on the situation empowers you and makes you feel good. "
(*4) On the last day of the 15day e-course, he said,
"Whatever is offered, take it.
Whatever is suggested, do it.
Whatever happens, declare it perfect."
I was chosen to work with someone who asked what my gender was. I took that person as a friend. I declare that perfect.
I'm not afraid to be unhappy.
Because I know how to turn it around.