Sunday, 24 April 2011

Practising Bliss

The lady I worked with for the first time yesterday asked me if I was a girl.

I asked back, "What do you think?"
Without hesitation she said, "I think you're a girl."
My back was sweaty by this time but I managed to keep a smile on my face. I said, "I'm a guy."
I got curious and asked "What made you think I was a girl?"
She said because my skin was nice.

That was the end of the conversation and I didn't think about it during the rest of my working time.
Coming back from work, I began to think "Does everyone think I'm a girl????"
I thought back and remembered that a guy said I looked "young."(Because my voice isn't deep like a real man.) Another lady asked if she should call me "Mr or Ms." The more I thought about it, the more it seemed that I don't pass as male.
I felt like my confidence was beginning to crumble.
I didn't want that. I wanted to remain in the happy state that Matthew Ferry took me. I was scared of feeling unhappy and realize that MF doesn't always work.

But I thought being unhappy is fine. If I wasn't able to be unhappy, that would be creepy. Having emotions is natural. It's how you pick yourself up.

So I thought, "What would Matthew say if he was coaching me personally?"

I had learned from MF that the Drunk Monkey (that's what he calls the negative talking in my head) is only there to protect me from what won't happen.
Wondering if my other colleagues think I'm female is irrelevant. The Drunk Monkey is doing its routine "what ifs" to try to scare the "real me" and make me self-conscious. (*1)

So I decided to ignore the Drunk Monkey and turn the situation into a positive energy.(*2)
I am looking forward to the day that I finally start taking testosterone. (*3)
And I am not going to think of this colleague who thought I was a girl as an enemy. (*4) The more negative experiences I have for being a transgender person, the more I will appreciate it when I become who I become in the future. (*3)

By changing my perspective, I was able to change my unhappiness to happiness. I actually put MF method into practise!

(*1) Awareness.
In a recent post on Matthew Ferry Blog, he wrote, "Awareness of the nonstop talking machine in your head, which I call The Drunk Monkey

The Drunk Monkey is that talking in your head, that little voice, the devil inside, the commentator, the judge, the jerk, the nasty person who won’t shut up in our head…The one you have mistaken for yourself.

The talking in your head is not you, it’s biology.

The talking in your head is not you, it’s a survival machine."

(*2) Flexibility. In the same post, he continues, "Awareness of that gives you flexibility, and flexibility gives you options…"

(*3) Options/Choice
"Options mean you have a choice.

Choosing new perspectives on the situation empowers you and makes you feel good. "

(*4) On the last day of the 15day e-course, he said,
"Whatever is offered, take it.
Whatever is suggested, do it.
Whatever happens, declare it perfect."
I was chosen to work with someone who asked what my gender was. I took that person as a friend. I declare that perfect.

I'm not afraid to be unhappy.
Because I know how to turn it around.


  1. I never would have thought you were a girl and I don't think most guys would notice anything. Some girls are just more critical of each other and competitive so they notice small things. The GS cheergirls thought you were a cute boy when they saw me talking to you and I would accept their opinions as the word of God when it comes to fashion and coolness.

  2. Thanks.

    "Passing" as male is kind of a status and very often my confidense changes according to how well I pass. Not passing, on the other hand, tells me there's something that a cisgendered (opposite of transgendered) male would not do/look. If there wasn't enough evidence, she wouldn't have asked if I'm female.
    Anyway, this was a good experience where my confidence DIDN'T crumble.

  3. Old ladies in Japan are about the most obnoxious old biddies I have ever met! They think age gives them the right to shoot off their big mouths whenever a thought enters their thick skulls. My wife's mother is the same way and so is every other old lady I have met in Japan. Ignore them or better yet, next time tell them "Lose some weight, "fatass!" and maybe they will learn to keep their opinions to themselves.

    Meanwhile, have a look at my new blog:

  4. Wow how did you guess she was fat!? Because she looks like humpty-dumpty. SHE IS FAT.

    You stepped into the world of Tumblr... I'm not going to follow that path... I know I'll end up wasting heaps of time! But I will check out your blog for sure. :)

  5. I didn't guess. I know from experience! Usually it's these fat, nasty, old trouts who are jealous and envious of the young who like to offer cruelties camouflaged in a compliment. I know the type too well.

    The idiots will always try to drag you down. Answer them graciously and then shit in their cornflakes when they are not looking. Works for me!

  6. And btw she also stinks.... and has disgusting teeth. Yuck.