Post before Leaving for Thailand

I'll be off in an hour to see my dad. I'll be back on the 8th.

I haven't been posting things recently because...well.. I don't know. I just didn't feel like typing in this hot weather. We don't put the air conditioning on because we are conscious about the environment.

About the name change, my mum contacted the court and they said we need to have a medical certificate. So we went to the university hospital where we went to 3 years ago. But after waiting for an hour, the dickhead doc said he can't write one just like that because it is a big decision. It didn't make sense. Why couldn't he? The other doc wrote it for me before. The dickhead just told us to find a clinic that specializes in gender and stuff.

My and my mum came home pissed and I searched the web for the gender clinics around here. My mum went out to do her own things and when she came back, she suggested that we go to the other clinic we went to 3 years ago. I didn't like the idea cause the doc there was crazier the the patients. My mum checked the website of the clinic to find that the crazy doc left and a new person is there.

We went there yesterday after school.

He was great. We told him what was going on and he just said "OK I'll write it right now."

Just like that! He even wrote one in English so that I change change my name on my British passport! I was so happy. The only thing was that the 2 papers were really expensive. It cost 6000yen which is about $70. I feel bad for my parents to have to pay for all this but I think it's definitely worth it.

Now all I have to do is submit the papers to a court in Tsuchiura which is next to my city. (We found out that we don't have to go all the way to Mito.) I will do this after I come back from Thailand.


Another thing I wanted to write about happened yesterday at school.
I was called by the class teacher. He asked me why I hadn't handed in the travel permission form. I said "I thought I didn't have to coz I don't need a student discount." I said this because the form is always mentioned with the student discount thing.
He said "The permission has nothing to do with the discount." I thought this statement is a little inaccurate for there is a square to tick whether or not I need a discount.
Anyway, I apologized for not handing it in although I thought it was stupid to have to do that in order to go on a trip.

Then he went on.
"You should realize that you are supported by many people and you should be thankful to everything and not take all you are given for granted. I hate to tell you this but some teachers suggested to put you in the lower class this year and deprive of your scholarship. They said this because you aren't going to a university in Japan. I was against this because I thought it would make you uncomfortable to be moved into another class. I know it's not fair to say this because you didn't ask for it but I think you should tell people what you want and be able to move people."

I understood what he was trying to say and agreed in some things. I do think I don't show how I'm grateful to everything the school is providing me with and I don't take it for granted. I'm even grateful that they accepted me entering this school.
I also know I'm not acting like I'm grateful. I don't talk to the teachers. I don't really talk to anyone who I don't know every well. I know I should change the way I behave.
And I know I shouldn't belong to the class I'm in now. I'm not even doing good in many subjects. I was honestly surprised in April that I remained in the class. It's understandable that they didn't want want me in the class. It would be better not only for me but also for others too. I bet they don't want someone lurking around who doesn't go through the entrance exam shit. I would feel it distracting.

I just wish I can get out of school ASAP.

I feel sorry for the teacher. He's under pressure.


I better be going now.
I'll write about my trip when I get back. :-)

My Family Is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

I told my parents about the name change. My dad said "Yes, your name is super inappropriate for someone with your condition." They are the best! So now we are going to move towards changing my name legally to Shane. I'm so happy.

I sent the speech contest scrip to my grandma some months ago. It needed courage because I thought she was a "traditional" person who always wanted me to be girly wen we visited her and I didn't know how she would react to a script that says "I am a bisexual transgender."

I got a reply from her the other day.

Every time I get a letter from you I think "my, she writes a jolly good letter." Thank you so much and for enclosing your speech. You will notice I have put "she writes." It is automatic for me to do that. I do admire you for being so open about how you feel. It must be difficult for you, as it is for your family.You can be quite sure that we love you just the same and will always stand by you.

...I love my grandma.

Consequences

I cannot find a way to describe it. It's there inside. All I do is hide. I wish that it would just go away. What would you do if you knew what would happen after you do something?

All the pain, I thought I knew. All the thoughts lead back to me. Back to what is never said. Back and forth inside my head.

I can't handle this confusion. I'm unable come and take me away.

I feel like I'm all alone. All by myself, I need to get around this.
My words are cold. I don't want them to heart you.
If I show you I don't think you'd understand because no one understands.

I'm getting nowhere....


That was Avril Lavigne's song "Take Me Away" lyrics with a little re-writing.

I decided to tell my parents today about the name change but couldn't.
When I think about what will really happen if I changed my name, it's a really big thing.

First of all, it means I will have to come out to all my relatives and that will be, I think, very stressful. It wasn't easy to come out as a tranny. I mean, actually saying to my mum that I'm not happy as a girl didn't go too well. I kind of screamed at her. That was in 2008 when I was talking with my former class teacher about not staying in the same room with the girls during the school trip to Kyoto. Because we were talking for a long time and I came home at 6 (that was "late" then), my mum, who is mimsy and worries all the time just like me, became worried. One day when I came home at 6, she was crying. I was about to explode of stress...and did. I screamed "why can't you do something!? You know there's something wrong with me!!" of something of that sort. I know it was totally unfair that I suddenly screamed out of the blue and left her to figure out for herself what the problem was. She managed to figure it out really fast. Like, just after I said that, she said "What? About gender identity disorder?" I didn't say anything. I don't remember what I did after that. Dark times....
Anyway, I don't like "coming out" to some people. There are times when I'm like "yea I'm a tranny." but that's mostly online.

Another thing about the name change is what people who call me by my real name will call me after I change it. I think I'm quite good at pretending. I don't act (at least I think I do) like one of the guys at school. If I have to, I call my self by my real name and my parents also do. I use polite words because my parents raised me as a polite little girl.
All my relatives will be confused as well. I can't imagine how they can change what they are used to calling me.
Not only that, I don't know if I can stop my pretending.

Name

I was writing this to show my family.
____________________________

Declaration
As I am going to go to the UK and you mentioned about opening my own bank account when I become 18, I feel that it is time I bring up my transition.
I will write this so that I can say what I want to say without being interrupted and forgetting to say something.

I will make this short and simple.

I need to change my name from A*** to Shane.

This is because:
a) I will feel so much comfortable being called by a unisex name that will not scream out that I am a girl.
b) it is essential when I try to start the hormone treatment.

@I would like to point out that this is not something I just thought up and will change my mind in a week. I've disliked my current name in public for a long time. As far as I can remember, I felt uncomfortable since I was less than 10 years old.
@I feel sorry that I need to change the name you lovingly chose but I simply cannot live my life trying to hide my name. I even don't write my full name on the sheets of paper at school unless it is really necessary.
@You may think it will not matter if I was called A*** when in England for nobody will know it is a girl's name. That isn't the point. It's about how I feel, not about what others think.
@I chose the name Shane because:
It sounds very nice and I feel very comfortable with it.
It's a unisex name.
It's the name of a character from a certain drama (which I will not identify for now) who is a very considerate, kind, and loving person which is the kind of person I want to be.

How to change the name.
In order to change my name legally, I need to submit a form to a family court and provide evidence that I have been using the new name for a considerable period of time and a convincing reason why I should change my name. From what I have read, it is not a very hard process. The only problem is that I don't have evidence that I've been using the new name because I've only been using it on the Internet. There's only evidence that I HAVEN'T been using my current name for a long time.
The nearest family court is in Mito.

___________________________


I came to this point to realize that I got it the process the wrong way round.
The name change doesn't come first.
Actually using the name is the important thing.
I also got scared by the thought that something that I have been living with for all my life could disappear just like that.
Another thing is that it would be weird if I was called by an English name here in Japan. I came to the conclusion that I just want to start be called Shane when I start my new life in England. Changing my name in Japan wouldn't make much sense.

So I decided that instead of the How To part above, I would just put the link to this http://ftm.org.uk/node/54
and say I want to change it in the UK.
I will sent it by e-mail to mum and dad now. Geez. Why do we have to go through this... *sigh*

New Shoes

A few weeks ago (I think a week before the end of term test), the sole on my shoe came right off while I was walking. So I bought a new one yesterday. (Yesterday was a holiday.) I usually get sporty sneakers but this time, I wanted to change my style and got converse shoes. It's very comfy and fits my big (size 9) feet. Not only are my feet big but it's wide and I often struggle finding the best fitting one. Converse shoes were just right!! I now know why it's very popular!

This is a photo of it with my mum's cute little feet.
I love my mum's feet very much. It's vainy but looks really cute when she has socks on. I'm a feet fetish.

English Books

As I was tidying up my room, I found 3 of the English text books I used when I first started learning English. My dad got them from somewhere and I remember doing it everyday. I hated it. I came home from elementary school and had to do 1 page a day before going out to play football. Can you see that the top of the page is ripped a little? I was very short tempered then.
Now that I see what it's like to study English at a Japanese school, I'm REALLY relieved that I had these books. I'm grateful to my parents for making me do the studying when I was little.

Dad and Books

My dad safely came home. If he had left a day later, he would had been stuck in the airport. I didn't expect any presents but he got something. I thought it was a dead bird at first because it looked like this.

I took it out of the bag and found out that is was a...

HEDGEHOG!!!!!!!!!!!!! And a cute one too! I LOVE FLUFFY STUFF!!!!!! It came with a green bag with lots of little elephants on it (see first pic). Thanks dad. xxxxx

I finished reading "Kiss Kiss" by Roald Dahl the other day and now reading "Boy." This one is not full of creepy stories, thank goodness. After I finish this, I will read the sequel, "Going Solo."

Bits and pieces

Lots of things to write about...

Here's photos I took on the weekend at the park I always go to for exercise. It was so sunny and everything looks so beautiful in spring. The ducklings refused to come out of their mothers protection! I love anything that is fluffy including my dad who has just a bit of hair left on his hair! He's supposed to come back from Bangkok tomorrow because it's my parents silver wedding anniversary tomorrow. I'm worried if he can come home safely...

I sent an e-mail to Joy 94.9 Transmission Time the other day saying that I really love the show and they should post more podcasts. I got a reply from one of the DJs and she said they only post the ones that "last." Geez, there are loads of podcast episodes that are out of date out there! Or maybe is costs money to post a podcast... Also she told me that, as they are a community radio station, they have a 6 month rotation for the shows so Transmission Time is not on air all year. It's on air on Tuesdays from 20:00 in Melbourne and today, I thought I could listen to it as I was using the computer at 20:00 JAPAN TIME!!!!! I didn't know Japan is an hour behind Australia! I thought we were at the same time zone. I won't be able to listen to them because I'm at school all the time! Shiiiiit!

Bangkok

My dad is in Bangkok, Thailand. He just said on the phone that there was another bomb attack and 2 police officers were killed. I thought that thing was all over. I don't hear anything about it on the news here. Maybe it's because I don't watch the news or read the paper or getting any kind of info about what's happening in the world. I have to do something about it. I'm looking for a good news podcast.
Anyway, my dad told my something interesting the other day. The soldiers that are walking around Bangkok are "water melons." This is because they wear green military wear but they are really one of the red shirts. I just thought the expression is accurate.

Happy B-Day!!

Yesterday was my dad's 20th birthday.

...Well...he's not really 20 years old! He's in fact 56 but claims to be 20. I sang him the birthday song when he called via skype. Too bad he can't have the cake mum made today! We'll hopefully have a party when we go to England.

Also, my cousin in London is going to be 22(?) next week so I made her a birthday card. I hope she likes it! :-)