Conversation with Hannah

Hannah
hihey

Shane
heyheyhey
im so fucking lonely

H
why?

S
today i went to a sustainability conference.
and there was a lunch break.
i didnt want to socialise but tried my best.
i went over to a table where a bunch of people were talking.
i said hi.
they said hi
one guy said he recognised me from one of the slides in a previous presentation
and i said yeah i'm a part of the slow food soc.
and they continued their conversation
and i just sat there and ate my food
then in like 2 mins, they said they'll get some more food.
they never came back to the table.
i sat there alone for the entire 20 mins until the conference resumed
FML

H
*sighhhh*
Everyone is so anti social these days..

S
i tried my best.
the whole thing made me depressed again
I haven't been depressed for like 8 days.
quite an achievement, right?
i was completely fine before lunch.

H
Just
be happy
smoke pot or somthing
LMFAO

S
loll

H
T should be helping at least a little with depression
right?

S
idk

H
might be making it worse

S
no its not worse
hopefully

H
I wish we could meet

S
me tooooo

H
Would be interesting

S
im talking to my grandma right now
on the phone

H
oh
hows that?

S
i phone her every week
i think shes lonely
in a nursing home

H
oh
its nice that you phone her

S
shes worried that im getting fat

H
LOL
LMFAO
tell your grandma that she has no reason to worry

S
sleeping well
?
yeeeeeessssss
gawd my grandmothers really annoying
have enough freinds?
*sigh*
*ends phone call*
really, what kind of grandma asks if i have friends or not?
because the answer is obviously no.

H
lol
please tell me you didnt hang up on your grandma

S
no im not THAT rude

H
thank god
*relieved*

S
lol
i don't hate her. she's fine
but i don't like it when she asks if i have friends every single week.
and having to say yes every time she asks.

H
she just cares about you

S
yeah but still. its annoying.

H
I can see that
I want to get high, but I have stuff to do later...
and that would be irresponsible
-.-\

S
you want to smoke pot?

H
Lol yes I have a ton
but im not gunna smoke any till I get everything that needs to be done today
so that I am responsible
^^

S
thats like me saying i want to get high by cutting
i wanted to cut after the conference.
but i didn't.

H
cutting yourself and smoking pot are really different

S
because i shouldnt

H
o.o

S
different how?

H
um.. one is just for fun, the other is because of severe depression

S
i used to cut for fun.
as a part of addiction.

H
Lol, so cutting yourself was like going to disneyland?

S
yeah

H
Part of me is doubtfull, takeing sharp objects and slicing your arm open doesnt sound like very much fun for me
even if I am depressed

S
you get high from the endorphin.
and you have control over it which is fun
and its unhealthy, just like pot.
lol
i know your going to argue pot is healthy

H
No its not healthy
but its not the worse thing. cutting yourself is more damaging.
Alcohol is more damaging

S
cutting is worse than alcohol?

H
nono
I would say
Alcohol > cutting > pot
lol

S
oh good

H
but thats not the point.

S
oh
everythings bad then?

H
I guess I am just saying, that I am not depressed, and I dont care if its bad for me.. so why do you think its bad that im doing it?

S
because it damages your body

H
The only thing damaging about it, is that the smoke is really hot.
and can cause lung damage if done frequently
*sigh* I see pot as no big deal, and you see it as bad... we could argue about it forever..
neither of us are right.

S
yeah
i was just thinking the same thing lol
I've been reading this book called "overcoming loneliness and making friends"
depressing to read because it describes me really well.

H
how do you plan on fixing that?

S
i have absolutely no idea.
i get unhappy when i have an awkward situation like today
but when i'm alone, i'm completely happy.
although i feel really lonely and i think i should be with 'friends' like everyone else
i mean, why are other ex-classmates haning out with each other, and not me?
not that i really want to.
its a confusing feeling
i think i'll end up alone for the rest of my life if i don't change.

H
Yeah..
People who prefer to be alone, usually are very bored and lonely.
ide encourage making friends
if at all possible

S
I'm willing to.
but its like i can't handle friendships longer than 2 hours or during times everyone have to be in the same place.
like, i'd be friendly when I have class, but once the class is over, i just leave ASAP
so that i don't have to talk with people.
even its just 10mins of walking back to our rooms
i avoid a 10 minute conversation. thats hopeless.

H
well...... one thing that has helped me, is I force myself to stick around, and take deep breaths and relax
im pretty lonely too
I think we are alike in that way
I kinda just hang out by myself and prefer it

S
i'd do that. stick around. if i want required to say something.

H
Yeah.. well the only person who can fix it is you

S
i know.

H
So if your wanting to be less lonely, be more social

S
thats why i'm reading this book.

H
nice!
haha

S
i just wish i knew why i'm this way.
i used to have friends before.

H
Why do you think your less talkative?

S
lack of confidence?
lack of things to say?
lack of effort?
lack of caring to do so?
dysphoria?
probably all of it.

H
dysphoria?
you mean like gender dysphoria?

S
yeah
voice dysphoria.