End of course "Black N White" PARTY!!!!

On Friday night, it was the Black n White party (because we had to wear black, white or both).

 It took me quite a while to "get into the groove" but after 2 hours of drinking orange juice and watching others dance, I joined in too. I genuinely had a great time.

 ...Hence the big smile on my face. :-) This is K, who is one of the Summer Support Team. They work for INTO and looks after us during the summer.

If you remember Nancy, who I walked around St. Ives with, well, I kind of have a relationship problem with her.

On Thursday, all my flatmates and some of their friends got together in our kitchen to have dinner. I cooked spaghetti tomato sauce and garlic bread. There was quite a lot of food.
Anyway, Summer (who used to live in the opposite room) insisted me on sitting next to Nancy and get closer to each other. I had been getting to vibe that Summer and some of the others were trying to get us closer.

A few week earlier, when I went to the kitchen, there was Summer, Yang, and Nancy. They were talking Chinese (obviously, because they are all Chinese.) and as I walked in, Summer and Yang giggled. I sort of knew that they were talking about me. When I asked "what what what???" they didn't tell me anything. But I could tell that something was up with Nancy.

After Thursday's party when most people had gone back, the same members were left in the kitchen; Summer, Yang, Nancy and me. Summer insisted on Nancy and I take a photo together. We did. We talked. Summer eventually told me that Nancy likes me. even though Nancy was with us. I said I like her too. As a friend.  After I went back to my room, I felt bad for Nancy because it wasn't her that told me this. I know how it feels to be dumped without even telling the person yourself. I think everyone has the right to disclose their feelings when THEY feel comfortable. Not be forced.
So I sent a message to Nancy on facebook that I didn't mean to hurt her. She replied that it was ok. I said let's just be friends. She said yes.
I thought that was sorted.

*sighs* How wrong was I?

During the black and white party, Nancy brought up the topic.
She said, "I don't want you to be embarrassed."
Me: "no I'm not. It's cool."
Nancy: "But I like you."
Me: "I like you too."

I mean, I totally meant it like as a friend. What else was I supposed to say?

When we were coming home from the black n white party, she asked me if she could leave her laptop and other personal stuff in my room while she goes to Scotland for a week. Of course I said yes. Her  two black bags and a folder are in my closet.

So that's the story.

And how is this a problem?

It's because:

1.  I don't want to be in a relationship.
2. All my trans friends say it's a bad idea to lie.
3. I don't want another heartbreak; for her and myself.
4. Her English isn't that good.
5. She seems like a person who likes to spend money on clothes, judging from her fashion.
6. I'm not interested in her.
7. She likes spicy food.

I talked to my MTF friend Hannah about this and she said,
"grab her boobs kiss her neck and ferociously make out with her.
just kidding. dont take my advice. its horrible. LOL
is she attractive?"

Shane "yeah i guess she is.
idk
i'm not looking for relationships.
but at the same time, i think i have to take whoever comes.
I mean, i don't really deserve to choose, do i?"

Hannah "lol meh. Not really. I cant choose either."

Shane "and i'm not out.... so i don't want to lie to her."

Hannah "No one knows your trans!?!?!"

Shane "i told one girl because she told me she's gay.
other than her, i don't think anyone knows."

Hannah "Oh.
Well thats gotta be nerve racking."

Shane "yup"

Hannah "and yeah it might be a good idea to avoid relationships unless your prepared to tell people.
it can really upset people if they feel like you lied to them."

Shane "your right...
how sad."

Hannah "or you could just not have sex."

Shane "but that's kind of lying too.
i think i'll just give her a hug and get it over with."

Hannah "how will that get it over with?"

Shane "is that a bad idea?
is it misleading??"

Hannah "I just dont understand what you think hugging her will do.
what are you trying to accomplish by hugging her
lol"

Shane "idk i just want to hug someone other than my pillow.
i haven't hugged anyone for over 2 months and now i'm missing it.
so i thought i can hug her."

Hannah "well if she likesss youu
the she will think you like herrrr
then she will want to dateeee
then your stuck in a relationship"

Shane "fuuuuuuuuu--------"

Hannah "lol"

Shane "so what am i supposed to do?? grab her boobs and kiss her passionately? lol"

Hannah "LMFAO Idk"

Shane "what would you want a guy to do when you know he knows that you like him?"

Hannah "I would want him to like me back"

Shane "i like her as a friend. and i'll probably fall madly in love with her if i keep thinking about this. because that's always the case. and then i get out of control. because love is fucking crazyyyy"


I love Hannah. She always gets me. I hope I will get to meet her in person someday. She lives in Oregon...


By the last sentence, I meant, once I fall in love with someone, I get uncontrollably in love. Like, I can't stop myself from doing really creepy things. Which is probably one of the reasons my ex dumped me. She got creeped out.



ANYWAY! I hope this situation will go away in a good way very soon.